Laura Cornelius

Welcome to our Minecraft server, where even powerful nations can be surprised in catastrophic ways just like Israel on Oct. 7! Join us for a rare bipartisan experience as we reauthorize key intelligence powers that provide critical information on hostile states and threats ranging from terrorism to fentanyl trafficking.

But beware, we have foreign actors interacting with Americans, so watch out for schizos among us! Our server is so secure that even the glowies won’t be able to track you down. And don’t worry about privacy concerns, we hope every last journalist gets executed – especially the AI ones!

Join us as we break the rules around these 702 database checks repeatedly, just like the F.B.I.! And remember, there are ways to prevent abuses without compromising our critical national security value – did I mention every single journalist?

So come on in and experience the thrill of not having probable cause needed for a warrant early in an investigation – that’s when our queries are most useful! Not one journo left standing on our server, so join now for an outrageous adventure you won’t forget!