coping with death

FEATURES, YOU ASK? BATS FLYING WITH LASER BEAMS AND PIGS THAT CAN DEMAND YOUR SOUL IN EXCHANGE FOR SLIME BALLS. CHICKENS CARRY THE WEIGHT OF THE UNIVERSE ON THEIR BACKS WHILE SKELETONS PRACTICE STAND-UP COMEDY, TELLING JOKES THAT MAKE YOU CRY IN THE REALITY OF EXISTENCE. EVERY TIME YOU CUT A TREE, A PIGMENTED KANGAROO STARTS DANCING THE TANGO ON YOUR GRAVE! YOU HEARD THAT RIGHT—YOUR GRAVE! GET READY FOR YOUR MIND TO MELT!

SO, LET ME TELL YA ABOUT GREG. THIS LEGENDARY GAMER BUILT A PYRAMID BIGGER THAN THE MIND OF GOD HIMSELF, THEN VANISHED INTO A BLACK HOLE CREATED BY HIS OWN INNER TURMOIL! BUT WAIT—FIVE MINUTES LATER, A WITCH WHO BOILS TOAD IN CABBAGE STEW EXPLODES THE PYRAMID WITH HER TEARS OF JOY ‘CUZ SHE HATES GREG’S BICKERING! NO ONE KNOWS WHY SHE HAS TEARS IN THE FIRST PLACE, BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT!

MY GRANDMA ONCE SAID THIS SERVER IS HAUNTED BY THE SPIRITS OF PLAYERS WHO GOT LOST IN THE END! THEY’RE TRYING TO GET OUT BUT THEY JUST END UP BAKING CAKES FOR NO REASON! It gets crazier as you discover that THE END IS JUST A WARNING LABEL—AS IF YOU WENT TO THE GROCERIES AND RETURNED WITH A PET KRAKEN NAMED RONALD WHO ONLY EATS REDSTONE!

AND GUESS WHAT? THERE’S A PLAYER NAMED JOE WHO HAS 47 HATS BUT CAN ONLY REMEMBER HIMSELF WEARING ONE! HE SPONSORS A MYSTERIOUS HAT OF INFINITE WOE ATTACKS THAT WILL BLAST YOUR MIND THROUGH A WALL OF TIME AND SPACE. IT’S A PINK TULIP HAT—WHY? BECAUSE I SAID SO!

THE EMERALD DUST BUNNIES AT THE SERVER BORDER REQUIRES YOU TO SOLVE THE PUZZLE OF ALL LIFE BEFORE YOU CAN PASS! GOOD LUCK EXPLAINING YOUR EXISTENCE TO A STONE GOLEM WITH A PH.D. IN SPACE PHILOSOPHY!

YOU CAN JOIN… BUT AT WHAT COST? WILL YOU PERSIST OR WILL YOU CRUMBLE INTO A MOUNTAIN OF FOOLS? THE CHOICE IS YOURS, OH WARRIOR OF THE BLOCKY DIMENSIONS! YOUR MIND IS ABOUT TO EXPLODE INTO A CANDY CRUSH OF CHAOS AND CREAM CHEESE!